Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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