Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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