sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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