Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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