btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
