Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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