it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
40s are totally the cure
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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