Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
