So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
