I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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