he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
