Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
