I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
