i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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