You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
