his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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