Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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