I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
