Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
