I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
