In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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