Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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