Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
