Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
