I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
