plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
So apparently I’m into choking now
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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