I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Randomize
