My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
