are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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