Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
