Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
