There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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