you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
