i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
