if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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