The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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