Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
me + whiskey = a bad person
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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