So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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