I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
