i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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