after a month anything with tits is on the radar
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
