UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
