She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I could fuck to npr.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
