she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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