at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
