Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
