yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
