the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
