I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
