He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
