Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
