you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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