man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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