Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
