I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
